Seventh in a series
“What do you do when your cancer test results aren’t what you want them to be?” I asked myself after my most recent ultrasound. The doctor said it appeared the cancer had grown by 10 to 15 percent. Gulp!
I thought I was open, prepared for any possibility; I had no back-up plan should the results be worse. The 30-minute drive immediately after getting the news wasn’t quite enough for me to be fully composed when I walked into work. Yet, I put my emotional state on a back burner, which, in hindsight, was a good thing: I let my subconscious mind deal with it.
Now, I realize my ego wanted – expected — the tumor to be decreased in size or completely gone. Despite thinking I was open to all possibilities, I was not. This was a good thing.
I was spiraling downward emotionally, spurred on by how others would respond once this “negative” news came out. I was afraid of pity disguised as sympathy — or worse, getting the same response I had gotten from my husband when I admitted that my radio program had failed: he gloated, “I knew it wouldn’t work, now see where you are!”
And three months after my diagnosis, he was still trying to convince my doctors and chiropractors to get me to change my mind and do what HE wanted me to do, which was follow conventional medical procedures. I left him quickly and with great clarity once I realized I could either spend all my energy defending myself or listen to my inner voice guiding me to a healthier life. Unfortunately others, too, still think I’m being steered in the wrong direction by denial.
My inner voice has led me through good times and most powerfully guides me during my darkest hours, days, weeks, and years. This does not mean I don’t listen to outside information. It means I check it to determine whether it resonates with me, my path, my healing solutions, and my body. I must feel like they are tuning to the same frequency, just as I did with my fellow clarinetists before a concert.
Life is not a smooth road. It is handling the smooth times with grace and humility and difficult times with courage, persistence, and your strongest sense of spiritual alignment. Challenges build character, fortitude and consciousness. From the beginning, I’ve acknowledged that I may not come out of this journey alive, because I am human and I will die. Fact. Will I die of cancer? Will I die of its treatment, or lack thereof? Will I clear the cancer and go on to live a long, healthy life and die of something else? The fact remains: I WILL die, somehow, sometime. Maybe I am not committed enough either way.
In my reflection, it occurred to me that my body, mind, and spirit have more work to do, even with the positive indicators that propel me forward:
- I’ve regained 17 of the 25 pounds I lost.
- I finished my 34th American Birkebeiner cross-country ski race, which is 50 kilometers (32 miles) in length, 50 minutes faster than I predicted.
- I’m calmer and more relaxed than I have been in years.
- I feel more aligned spiritually than ever before; spiritual experiences are abounding in my life.
- Opportunities, support and encouragement from the universe and from friends are at every juncture of this journey.
- It just feels right to me.
Two more very important pieces: For the past 20 years, feathers have been a personal spiritual totem, a message from the Divine. Whenever I doubt myself a feather lands on my path, confirming that I am in the right place, doing the right things, at the right time, and with the right people. The other key indicator for me is that my healing work is expanding and is more profound than ever before. I help others create deeper meaning in their lives and I feel rejuvenated by their healing sessions!
After taking in the test results and pondering my next moves, I realize there is plenty more I can do. I can increase my juicing, detoxify my body and mind on a regular basis, and let go of more resentments, angers and childhood trauma. There are plenty of additional resources to help someone heal cancer naturally, but I have yet to use any high potency “cancer” supplements, which come with a long list of testimonials about how stage 4 cancer has been healed.
Many years ago, I got on a motorcycle I knew I was not going to return on. That accident was a vital part of my past; I used meditation then to create optimal recovery. As I write this, I realize I haven’t been using this powerful form of healing. I’ve listened to my healing meditation CDs while driving and sleeping, but passively rather than as an active, significant tool. It’s time to call upon the healing masters and guides that help me in my healing practice for my own support. That’s not being selfish; it’s nurturing and loving.
One of my biggest admissions is about my own attitude. I firmly believed I could clear the tumor from my body as if it was a fly and squash it out of existence. Well, I have met my opponent and it has humbled me. I’m used to multitasking, but this cancer challenge deserves my full attention. I have been distracting myself from my goal: to clear cancer from my body organically on my way to becoming a holistically healthy person, aligned spiritually, mentally and physically. I need this time of renewal — to continue moving forward, to reassess what else, what more, what else to let go of, what more to forgive. To make way for true health, one must remove all obstacles that impede the way, not just some.
My general desire is to be a fully actualized as a spiritual-human being, content with my choices in lifestyle, friendships, relationships, work, recreation, and spiritual communion. There is much to do in each of these categories. After years of striving to grow from the inside out in an environment more concerned about outward appearances, I am ready to expand my trust in myself. I’m ready for internal peace, true authenticity and personal alignment. I’m giving up the struggle that has been raging within me, like the two wolves — the gentle, loving one and the fierce, angry one. I want to feed the gentle one and allow it to nurture me and be my companion, not my anger.
Aiding our bodies to heal with the power of the mind and the available energy that exists in us and around us is critical. Thank you for letting me share my humanness, fail on my way to learn, grow, and heal. Oh, how my own beliefs have kept me from achieving the health I deserve. I used meditation to keep me on my path, and then I forgot to use it as a healing protocol. But my real lesson is that what seemed like failure was just an opportunity to reassess and keep moving forward.
Listen to Edge contributor Cheryl Hiltibran describe her journey on the archived Edge Talk Radio program “Innerviews” with Cathryn Taylor by clicking here: http://tiny.cc/az5ucw
Copyright © 2012 Cheryl Hiltibran. All Rights Reserved.