An argument with your significant other is something you wish you could avoid. Yet, it’s usually inevitable that a couple disagrees about some aspect of their life that escalates the situation. Wouldn’t it be a relief to reduce the recovery time after the fight or even stop it before it goes too far? The following steps can actually shine a light on your relationship that can bring healing and create more intimacy between the two of you. Here’s how we can put the fire out instead of fanning the flames of chaos.

Stop! You typically know when the argument is starting and how it will end; you are an expert on yourself and your mate, so pay close attention. It’s fine if you disagree; it happens. The disagreements do not, however, have to turn into a full-blown fight. As soon as you feel yourself taking your anger to the next minute, just stop talking for a moment. Pause. Actually, be in the moment and really think about what you’re fighting about and whether it is worth it. These disagreements are typically isolated incidents, it’s important not to allow them to outweigh the love you share with one another. So, use some perspective before things get too heated. See that stop sign in your head and take heed. It will help the both of you in the long run.

Drop. Instead of dropping on the ground and rolling around like you practiced in grade school, you are going to drop into your heart and get out of your head for a moment. Arguments typically originate from your rational self, or yourself attempting to be rational. They start from the mind as we attempt to displace our logic onto something or someone else. This is when the “should” word is used readily and freely. It’s also a word that can cause a couple to become pretty defensive as one puts their claims or desires on another. Should comes from the head; understanding, empathy and compassion comes from the heart. So, after you stop, drop into your heart center and see your partner for who he or she really is. Your partner is not your pillar of expectations, they are your representation of love. This place of reflection puts us back to the reality of the moment and not the fictitious world we created in our minds that leads to a lot of disappointment and chaos in our relationships.

Breathe. Your breath is quite a valuable instrument — not only because it keeps you alive, of course! It also has cleansing properties. The breath nourishes the cells, allows us to slow down our heart rate, and decreases our anxiety. Breathing allows us to stay in our vulnerability and feel safe and grounded instead of becoming defensive. The potential for healing and growth in a relationship stems from these moments of conflict as it brings down those fortified walls we have spent years creating, particularly around love and companionship. It is the most intimate relationship we will ever form with another human being. Therefore, it can also make us feel immensely insecure. It is in the breath that we are reminded of who we are on a basic human level. We are not our roles, titles, money, positions or expectations. You are a human being that loves another human being — and that’s all that matters. Hold hands with your love, and take a breath together and feel the connection.

This absolutely works. I’ve had one of my most powerful and healing moments with my husband after a huge fight. As I practiced Stop, Drop, and Breathe, it gave us space to really open our hearts and see one another like it was for the very first time. Save yourself and your time together with one simple pause, one moment to sit at your heart, and to connect with your breath. It has the potential to absolutely transform your relationship.

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Katherine Searcy

Katherine Searcy focuses on relationships, with a specific focus on holistic healing methods. She helps women restore and strengthen their relationships with themselves and their partners through the use of energy work, spiritual practices, and therapeutic techniques to create space within for loving, thriving and abundant partnerships. Most importantly, she believes in love and that everyone is destined to experience the intimate relationships of their heart’s desire. Katherine currently has a private practice where she mentors women in all phases and types of relationships. Visit her website at www.untyingtheknots25.com. Contact Katherine at ksearcy@untyingtheknots25.com.

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