12. "No, I don’t want to exfoliate my dead skin cells! They’re what’s holding the rest of my rotting carcass together!" (I did really say a less extreme version of this.)
11. "I know people have speculated for years, but my Akashic records finally revealed to me how Wonder Bread Builds Strong Bodies 12 Ways!"
10. "…and then someone asked at the home remodeling booth if he could order windows like the ones on his castle in a past life…." (I had fun asking that one, too)
9. "Yes, if he asked, of course we’d be willing to channel healing energy to the president, but let’s let the priests finish the exorcism first."
8. "It’s not accurate to say that’s an aura picture of Elvis just because the colors are All Shook Up…."
7. "Is that a quartz crystal in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"
6. "I can tell the trust has left that relationship. She thinks his Power Animal is a weasel."
5. "You have lots of great bumper stickers here, but I’m looking for the one that says, "My Other Broomstick is a Piece of Crap Too!" (that actually would be a fun bumper-sticker…cut me in for a royalty if you make it!)
4. "Don’t ever…EVER…play that meditation tape in reverse!!! Those nice, spiritual Indians around the sacred fire chase you back into the woods, then hunt you down like a DOG before you can make it back to the meditation center!
3. "I hate to say it, but his guides weren’t very evolved. The psychic doing the channeling had to call over an Animal Communicator to translate."
2. "Oh, I guess I can see it now… That really IS a dirty diaper on the floor, not a baby ghost… I should probably stop trying to toss it back Into The Light then… And, unfortunately, this stuff on my hands probably isn’t ectoplasm…."
(drum roll)…and finally…the Number One Unrefined Comment Nearly Overheard at the 2006 Edge Life Expo…
1. "NO, NO, NO! That’s RIDICULOUS! If an Ear Candler WERE inattentive, and someone’s ear drum BURST INTO FLAMES, turning the colonics hose to FULL THROTTLE is WAY too indirect a pathway to put it out!!!"