Another Look at Relationships


An excerpt from the book Loving Relationships II (Celestial Arts)

The soul draws toward itself the circumstances and people it needs for its highest development. In the same way, our karma and vibrational patterns draw us to the very person we need to help us grow.

In all our personal interactions, we must help each other develop love and kindness. A personal relationship is a sacred responsibility – it should not be based on physical, intellectual, or emotional attraction alone. Such a partnership must be based on a commitment to manifest the highest and best in one another.

The last 15 years have given birth to investigations that chart the origins of our attractions to, and relations with, other people. Among the startling findings: the way we meet, enter or begin a relationship may be related to our own conception in our mother’s womb. Having an understanding of the circumstances surrounding how you were conceived will help to make the conception of your relationships more conscious. The following example – seemingly far-fetched but actually quite commonplace – illustrates this phenomenon: A male baby is conceived accidentally, the pregnancy unwanted by his parents. As a young adult, the former unwanted child finds himself attracted to women who do not really want to commit to a relationship; he becomes very emotionally involved in them anyway. A woman may even overtly reject him, but he keeps trying to maintain a bond. Perhaps he finds himself with women who may even date him, but reject him sexually. Either way, he ends up feeling “unwanted.” These will be very unsatisfying relationships right from the start, yet he is “hooked” on unrequited love. Why? Because he has the unconscious need to recreate the feeling of being unwanted, since that is what he is accustomed to.

If your conception was an “accident,” you may just find yourself time and time again stumbling into relationships unconsciously, then suddenly waking up and wondering how you became entangled. This may occur because you are continually meeting partners under circumstances that not only mirror your own conception, they may also resemble your birth. I was able to identify this dynamic in my own life: I was born on the kitchen table, and for many years I would either meet men in restaurants or go out with restauranteurs!

The more we are conscious of these dynamics in our personal relationships, the more freedom we will have to pick and choose partnerships that will work in our favor. As you can see, unsolved conception trauma can cause pain both to ourselves and to other people with whom we mate. If we remain unaware of how the conception experience affects our decisions and actions, we give up a great deal of power over our lives.

Dismal as it may seem, “I don’t want to be here” is a sentiment felt by a substantial number of people. These individuals could have adopted such anti-life feelings early on – either just before or immediately after their own birth – if they did not like being taken from or being in the womb. If they had a rough time coming out into the world, they may have decided that they “don’t want to be here” during the birth trauma.

You would be well advised to keep this phenomenon in mind, especially if you find your new relationship taking the following course: You meet a person, and you’re very attracted to them. The attraction seems mutual, but before you know it, they are avoiding you and don’t want to be in the relationship. They may like you very much, and even flirt with you, but the relationship never gets off the ground. The only reason that they give is that they simply “don’t want to be here.” Though such people occasionally do make it through the initial meeting phase and actually enter into relationships, nine times out of ten, they are not totally “there.” They’re unable to be present for their partner or themselves: consciously or unconsciously, they are obsessed with the need to leave.


When a couple survives the initial highs and lows of a budding relationship, they may consider making a commitment. If both want to be fully committed at the same time in the same degree of intensity, this stage can be very exciting. Often, however, a clumsy dance occurs in which one partner is more strongly committed, the other less so: the old story of “when I want you, you don’t want me. So I back off and don’t want you and then you want me.” Some people get through this and some don’t. It can be quite maddening, to say the least.

It is also important to understand that this is a pattern. A pattern is what we call “Repetitive Unconscious Behavior.” Patterns are often based on repetitive behaviors in our blood families or reactions to those behaviors. In the Loving Relationships Training (LRT) we discuss patterns in relationships; some of these are also described in my book, Loving Relationships I.

What motivates us to want someone obsessively when feelings of affection are not mutual – or vice versa? In examining cases like these, what we at LRT call the “incest taboo pattern” can usually be found. This frustrating pattern begins during childhood. If you are female, you could not have your father, the man you really wanted. The way in which you cope with this disappointment is decided very early – and its effects continue into adult life. As an adult, when you can’t have the one you really want because you have set him up as your father (or vice versa with the mother), that relationship then becomes “taboo” also.

This is a very deep and complex pattern. It often takes people many years to work it out. If we manage to suppress it enough in the beginning stages of the relationship, we may actually make a commitment, and move in with or even marry a partner. But the incest taboo pattern, based as it is on such a powerful impulse, usually surfaces sooner or later. The results can surprise and bewilder us. Some people actually find out that the minute they get married, sex no longer provides enjoyment or pleasure; others quickly disappear from the relationship altogether.

A relationship can generate a fantastic amount of energy when partners feel equal passion for one another. Yet maintaining an even balance is quite challenging. “Love brings up anything unlike itself,” and passionate love frequently stimulates too many unconscious negative thoughts at once. A couple may become very happy, high, and passionate for days – then something inexplicable happens between them and suddenly the feelings disappear or go away. Because of the negative subconscious thoughts that have surfaced, partners need to know that this loss of passion is natural and temporary. Whenever it occurs, it’s time to clear or process, and practice spiritual purification.

At LRT, we would say that the couple’s “case came up.” This means that the partners’ birth trauma got activated, their unconscious death urge was stimulated, and their negative thought structures or family patterns surfaced. The tremendous love energy then produced pushed all these latent impulses outward. It is important not to get angry and give up at this time if you want to stay in this relationship. However, at this point, people often get disillusioned with each other, blaming each other for a waning romance. Ironically, this is just the moment when it is so crucial to have faith in yourself and your partner. It is a time to fortify the relationship with an enlightened understanding of how the mind works and a knowledge of spiritual purification. If a couple gets rebirthed at this time, they can breathe out the subconscious material that has surfaced and then go back to the love quite easily.

A crisis in your relationship can also provide an opportunity to develop a deep and mature love. This kind of bond celebrates our humanity – including our imperfections. By contrast, an immature love requires constant novelty; when the novelty declines, a new attraction is sought. Immature love needs a perfect idol as a love object. Lacking integrity, this kind of bond is frail and often shallow. But in a mature love – a relationship between two spiritual beings – a couple has the ability to weather love’s unpredictable changes.

Though partners brought together by an immature love may, by some accident, make it through the initial phases of a relationship, they will have unconsciously established destructive methods of problem solving. Unfortunately, the practice of fighting or “stuffing it” figures prominently among them. This damaging behavior can be habit forming, dragging on for years and years until fighting leads to separation or “stuffing” the anger causes pain and disease.

I can’t emphasize how crucial it is for couples to develop spiritually enlightened methods of problem solving and clearing during these early stages of a relationship. Right from the beginning you’ll need to discuss basic questions such as your purpose in life, your purpose in the relationship, what techniques you use to clear yourself and how each of you can serve the other. Some people don’t talk about these things until it is too late; bad habits have already formed. That’s why honest discussion must begin immediately.

By talking about these things from the start, you can also determine whether this new person will blend with your life style and spiritual goals. If your partner cannot handle this kind of discussion at all, consider this behavior as a sort of “red flag” warning. You may not want to pursue a deep emotional relationship with that individual. Remember, there are people who not only tolerate, but require honest dialogue. Isn’t this what you deserve? Seek them out!


When old patterns surface, you may feel out of control, incapacitated by confusion, as if you’ve had too much thrown at you at once. At LRT, we call this being in “overwhelm.” It’s a state you can easily fall into, particularly if you are new to processing and clearing. What some people do to cope with it, especially if they do not have a rebirther or consultant, is to withdraw or eat. Especially in couples, people often start gaining weight in an attempt to stuff the patterns back down so we can feel more “comfortable.” The trouble with this solution is that then you have this new problem – being overweight – which is no fun at all. Overeating “eats away” at our confidence and self-esteem, making our relationship even worse. Other unhealthy ways people deal with overwhelm are smoking, drinking, gambling or having affairs.

When overwhelm occurs, you definitely need to breathe it out. You may even need to take a break from each other. Taking time for yourself does not mean you’ve failed or that you are ending the relationship. It just means you are going to go and get recentered in yourself.

In the same way, if your mate needs to take time alone, you shouldn’t take that personally either. Think about it this way: in your relationship the two of you are “one” spiritually. Therefore, if your partner needs to take a break, you probably need a break, too. Look at it as an opportunity, not a threat. In fact, it would be a good idea to plan breaks from each other on a regular basis as a preventative measure instead of waiting until tensions overwhelm you both.

A healthy relationship is one in which the couple can go in and out freely without attachment or clinging. If partners cannot stand to be apart, they may be inordinately attached. Many partners maintain separate interests as a way of protecting their individual selves within the relationship. This solution is healthy as long as it is a way of having your own center, not an escape from intimacy.

Know yourself well enough to recognize when you are in overwhelm, otherwise, tension can take a toll on your body and your relationship. Each partner should have his or her own private space if possible. If your house is too small for that, consider other alternatives. Where can you go to meditate? Should you move to a more spacious home? Any ideas that occur to you ought to be explored.

Sondra Ray will lead her seminar, The Next Level, in Minneapolis August 30-31. For more information, visit, e-mail [email protected] or call 651.238.7248.

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