I thought I was dying


I have always been the picture of health, so when I started having distressing symptoms that sounded like possible ovarian cancer, I finally went to see my doctor. After all the lab tests and even a CT scan, everything pointed once more to the clean bill of health I have always had. But I felt like crap! There were days at work when I wondered if I would make it through my shift. What was going on with me?

In addition to the physical symptoms, there were the “other” symptoms — emotional and spiritual ones — that started to show themselves. I heard a message – inside my head, not from anyone outside of me – to start journaling. I had always scoffed at people who journalled, but for some reason I found a lovely journal with a moon on it, so at least it looked nice! I found once I started writing, the words would not stop coming.

Quite a few years ago I left the Lutheran church, finding that I had too many questions that they could not answer. I worked with a woman who was Wiccan, and she opened me up to many things in the metaphysical world. I have always believed in things considered outside the realm of believable. After my mom passed away, I felt her presence around me for many years. I have been on a spiritual quest for some time, but until the health issues arose, it was a quiet journey.

Now I found myself reading any and all books that I could on any and all metaphysical subjects. I watched John Edwards’ show, “Crossing Over,” and felt myself just saying, “Yes, yes, that’s it!” My emotions and my heart were also opening up. I found myself hating the constant gossiping at work that up until that time I had fully participated in. The tears would flow and flow; many times I didn’t even know why.

Then one day a comment made by my now ex-husband shook me to the core and I finally said, “Enough!” I moved my things to the downstairs bedroom, wrote him a note asking for a divorce, and placed my wedding ring on top of it. I stayed in that bedroom for four months while I got my life together, along with enough money to move to my own place. But I still did not know what was going on with me – all the changes.

Soon after, I found a psychic expo and had a reading. The medium told me I was having an awakening. At last! I had found someone who could put a name to my upside-down life. When I looked up “spiritual awakening” and read the list of symptoms, I cried with relief. I was not going crazy! At another expo, I found a wonderful energy healer who helped me with the almost fifty years of hurt and pain that was now coming out in the form of those physical symptoms. It was not a physical illness; it was an illness of my soul.

I realized how numb I had become to life, just sleepwalking through it all, nodding and smiling and saying yes to anyone and everything. Now I have found my voice and learned all over again how to connect with people and how to see the light that is inside of all of us.

I went on a journey of early retirement, went back to school for a time, traveled to Chicago all on my own, and am living on my own – all without the constant fear. Life is an adventure! It is so much of an adventure that I finally heeded the pull of my soul to move 1,600 miles away to Oregon, where I knew no one but felt that it was my true home – and it sure feels like it!

In the end, I really was dying, but it was just the death of my old fear-based self. And I welcomed the birth of my true self, my sweet soul.

The Edge Partner Directory is your resource for festivals, classes, products and services


  1. Fighting the awakening to Self does not stop the process, it only slows it down temporarily. When it is time…it is time! Kudo’s to you for paying attention and recognizing…..it is and always has been about YOU!!


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.