I thought I was dying

I have always been the picture of health, so when I started having distressing symptoms that sounded like possible ovarian cancer, I finally went to see my doctor. After all the lab tests and even a CT scan, everything pointed once more to the clean bill of health I have always had. But I felt like crap! There were days at work when I wondered if I would make it through my shift. What was going on with me?

In addition to the physical symptoms, there were the “other” symptoms — emotional and spiritual ones — that started to show themselves. I heard a message – inside my head, not from anyone outside of me – to start journaling. I had always scoffed at people who journalled, but for some reason I found a lovely journal with a moon on it, so at least it looked nice! I found once I started writing, the words would not stop coming.

Quite a few years ago I left the Lutheran church, finding that I had too many questions that they could not answer. I worked with a woman who was Wiccan, and she opened me up to many things in the metaphysical world. I have always believed in things considered outside the realm of believable. After my mom passed away, I felt her presence around me for many years. I have been on a spiritual quest for some time, but until the health issues arose, it was a quiet journey.

Now I found myself reading any and all books that I could on any and all metaphysical subjects. I watched John Edwards’ show, “Crossing Over,” and felt myself just saying, “Yes, yes, that’s it!” My emotions and my heart were also opening up. I found myself hating the constant gossiping at work that up until that time I had fully participated in. The tears would flow and flow; many times I didn’t even know why.

Then one day a comment made by my now ex-husband shook me to the core and I finally said, “Enough!” I moved my things to the downstairs bedroom, wrote him a note asking for a divorce, and placed my wedding ring on top of it. I stayed in that bedroom for four months while I got my life together, along with enough money to move to my own place. But I still did not know what was going on with me – all the changes.

Soon after, I found a psychic expo and had a reading. The medium told me I was having an awakening. At last! I had found someone who could put a name to my upside-down life. When I looked up “spiritual awakening” and read the list of symptoms, I cried with relief. I was not going crazy! At another expo, I found a wonderful energy healer who helped me with the almost fifty years of hurt and pain that was now coming out in the form of those physical symptoms. It was not a physical illness; it was an illness of my soul.

I realized how numb I had become to life, just sleepwalking through it all, nodding and smiling and saying yes to anyone and everything. Now I have found my voice and learned all over again how to connect with people and how to see the light that is inside of all of us.

I went on a journey of early retirement, went back to school for a time, traveled to Chicago all on my own, and am living on my own – all without the constant fear. Life is an adventure! It is so much of an adventure that I finally heeded the pull of my soul to move 1,600 miles away to Oregon, where I knew no one but felt that it was my true home – and it sure feels like it!

In the end, I really was dying, but it was just the death of my old fear-based self. And I welcomed the birth of my true self, my sweet soul.