Embrace the ‘good’ kind of Selfish in your Relationship

Busy doesn’t begin to describe life at our house, or probably yours, either. One would think that, as a spiritual teacher and psychic, I would know better than to succumb to it. Even I would assume that my house would be immune somehow from the craziness of the “to do” list. And yet, it isn’t.

My partner and I look at each other regularly, usually when we’re running out the door to get somewhere that we’re supposed to be already but aren’t because we got tied up the last place we were, and ask ourselves for the thousandth time, “When are we going to quit with the running?” Then, off we go to one more event, one more class, one more…something.

My schedule demands a lot of both of us. My partner joins me for many of my work events, but he also has a full-time job to fulfill, in addition to being present for my evening events. I see clients all day, and then I also host or attend work events in the evening, or on weekends. We both have children, family and friends. We have a great life, but the “busy” seems to never end.

I remember when I was single and didn’t understand when married couples complained that they didn’t have time together. I thought that was impossible. “You life together,” I said. Folks, I now get it. It’s hard to create time for one another when we’re all working, running kids, errands, extracurriculars, running businesses, school functions, taking care of elder parents, and, if you’re lucky, have a social circle, as well. It’s exhausting to think about much less live it.

So, we’ve come to that place in our relationship when we started being selfish — the good kind of selfish, the one that says “if we’re not good, then nothing else really matters.” It took us a bit of time to make “us” a priority. I’ve worked with many couples in my practice who have had to make the same adjustments, but after a couple months of making things like “date night” a priority, they can’t imagine what they did without it.

Take time to go for walks, or bike rides together. Yes, exercise helps us feel connected, as well. It’s a great time for us to share our day, while we walk off the stories. I often tease my partner that we’re leaving the garbage of the day out on the street as opposed to dumping it inside our home. It really does create a more settled, comfortable environment in our home. The energy of our space feels clearer, and accordingly, so do we.

Often I will sit with clients amid relationship issues and talk to them about their priorities, their values, what’s really important to them in their lives, and ask them, honestly, “Are you living according to those values?” We know we love our partners, spouses, significant others, call them what they are, but recognize that they’re our witnesses in life. These are the people who see our best and our worst, and love us regardless. Making them a priority — and seeing ourselves from a framework of what is best for the relationship is what’s best for us — is crucial.

I often use the analogy with people that relationships are like infants: if you feed them, nurture them and attend to them, then they grow into beautiful, healthy, enduring life forces. If, on the other hand, you ignore them, constantly putting them aside to attend to other things, they will wither, and die. Attending to one another does require attention, but once you develop the habit of giving to each other, of nurturing and loving your relationship, the depth and magnitude of what you can accomplish, and the joy of the journey together, is unimaginable.

Yes, we’re all very busy, and life is demanding, but remember who you’re on the ride with — and with them, nurture, love and create your bliss.



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