Most days I find myself in a place of peaceful joy, going with the flow of life and enjoying the adventure. But every so often, I feel the aura around me start to darken, becoming heavy, and my energy level plummets as I try to find one small speck of enjoyment and wonder whatever possessed me to come to this overly challenging earthly life.
I always seem to sense when I am about to descend into the sadness, feeling the swirl of negativity as I become so much more in tune with my emotions. For so long, I denied myself the privilege of feeling anything other than a positive emotion; I bottled up all the anger and resentment. I never allowed myself to show anger in front of anyone, or disagree with them, or allow myself to just have a bad day.
If I did that, it would shatter the false façade I had built of my perfectly happy self. But now, when I feel that aura around me, just as someone can sense a migraine headache coming on, I let it work its way through me. A very wise person once told me, “When you open to fear, you are becoming fearless.”
I spent most of a day just wanting to disconnect from everything; emotions ran from bitterness and cynicism to anger and sadness. And I’ve learned to just allow myself to have these emotions, to ride out the huge waves of the dark days, knowing that the fervent prayers I pray for healing will reach my heart and heal it.
Now I come back to my natural state of being, that of peace and love, the place I reach for like a drowning person, hoping for someone to pull me out of the dark water. The healing that I receive as I reach out to God or Source or whatever name you choose never fails to fill me with a sense of awe. I can actually feel my heart heal, as the hurt is gently smoothed over and taken from me. It is like being a warrior sometimes, fighting a battle through these dark days that come. But I am learning of the power of my soul, and I always find that the power of love is so much greater than any fear that comes my way.
I happened upon some words I wrote in a journal, three years ago, when I was in the throes of the “dark night of the soul.” I still find them relevant, even now; I am an ever-changing soul. They are:
I have experienced many episodes of emptiness, such a deep, dark sadness, an abyss of nothingness.
But God lifts me out. I learn and grow from each occurrence.
Now, I feel total love and peace in me, knowing that I am never alone.
I hold onto this blissful feeling, knowing that it may be brief.
But always thankful to be growing.
