Managing the Bumps on the Rocky Road

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managing the bumps in life's bumpy road

In a country famous for its American dream, we rarely mention the ever-present reality of grief. Along with divorce and death, grief is hauntingly present in common situations: dear friends moving away, a family member ceasing to communicate, deteriorating health, being laid off or retiring, leaving the home you loved, the death of a pet and the decreased capacities of growing old. We are programmed to hide from endings, refusing to acknowledge the impact of what is truly gone.

Grief became my constant companion when my marriage ended at four a. m. on a Saturday morning in May 2013, three months before my twentieth anniversary. As I spent the next ten years rebuilding myself, my book took shape: Yearning For Love – A Reluctant Divorcee’s Rocky Road to Nirvana. I didn’t realize until very recently how deeply the memoir process healed me. Not coincidentally, a copy of the book arrived in my mailbox the day my ex-husband passed away, marking closure on a part of my life that was joyful, precious and challenging.

Katherine Barton's book "Yearning For Love – A Reluctant Divorcee’s Rocky Road to Nirvana"My story is about marrying later in life, at age 42, radiant and relieved. I was finally being rescued by someone that would heal my fractured childhood, shield me from life’s pain, and support me financially and emotionally. With such expansive hopes, I was destined to experience the Twelve Step adage: The higher the expectations the lower the serenity.

It took me years to muster the courage to step out again as a single being. I lost 25 pounds the four weeks following the breakup, as I was barely able to walk across the room due to an intense feeling of dizziness. I lost my balance mentally, spiritually and physically.

Reflecting on my failed marriage became a salve during that tortuous time. As I wrote, I came to learn that my own beliefs were a major player in the demise of my marriage. At one level, I relished being a fifties style housewife in the twenty first century, feverishly participating in marathon cookie bakes and helping my daughter sell Girl Scout cookies. On the other hand, I yearned for a deeper, more meaningful life as I became painfully aware that he – or any other partner – could not meet all of my needs.

The wonderful tool of memoir helped me dissect the lie I was living. I learned – often the hard way – the peace of acceptance. My ex wasn’t wrong, I wasn’t wrong, it just wasn’t to be. It is such a simple thing, yet remains a lifelong practice to see clearly and without judgement what is in front of you and just welcome it, nod and smile.

Here are a few things I’ve learned on my path:

  1. The resources to help you are always available.
    I literally heard a voice with this message the day after my marriage ended. The resource might be a phone call to a friend or a memory of a happy time. I often held an image of when my dear aunt Geraldine greeted me at a train station when I was four years old and told me I was the prettiest thing. The knowledge of her love sustained me. Many people were routing for me, and all I had to do was contact them or think about them. Friends, family, practitioners and four-footed friends are all essential to helping us become whole when we have collapsed from a loss.
  2. Maintaining faith in a positive vision of the future is lifesaving.
    It is critical to consistently believe life will return to a sense of balance, no matter how dark the present seems. Some research has found that a bad emotion usually lasts only seven minutes, though it can seem like seven years. Building a resolve and image about the return of a more joyful time is critical.
  3. A spiritual practice is the bedrock of recovery.
    There are many practices available and mine have changed over the years, growing way beyond my roots as the child of a Methodist minister. They are all supported by the universal essence of love. I spend 45 to 60 minutes a day in connection with the silence of the divine, touching base with gratitude throughout the day and ending the day in thanksgiving.
  4. Acknowledging the grief of a painful ending is both a challenging and rewarding process.
    When you commit to facing that something you cared about deeply has passed, you open the door to healing. As each piece of your heart starts to mend, you will discover that there is always something to be healed. I am amazed at the kinds of unresolved things that are floating to the surface in the last third of my life. Facing them makes me richer and has allowed me to deal with very difficult things, including the death of my ex-husband, with love and patience.

I am learning that having the discipline to practice and believe the above ideas over and over again surrounds me with a web of blessing. They have also helped me dramatically increase my ability to create a beautiful, happy life for me and those I touch. Thinking everything in life should be consistently fun and scintillating is one of the sorriest, life sucking ideas out there.

My Offerings:

Subscribe to my monthly newsletter that talks about life’s joys and sorrows! It focusses on sharing this journey with lots of laughter about the comedy of what life can dish out! Contact me at the email address below.

I am available to lead discussions about the book, with a focus on the four topics above. It is great to connect with others in-person or via Zoom to share this fabulous, funny, difficult, heartbreaking journey. Contact me at rockyroad2137@gmail.com. I would love to hear from you!

 

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Katherine Barton
Katherine Barton is a writer, activist, speaker and spiritual guide. She has a strong background in meditation and facilitation and is training to be a Sufi healer. Katherine has designed courses in aging, leadership and manifesting one's purpose. Her biggest joy is helping people find their authentic voice to live a life of authenticity. Katherine has designed numerous courses in aging, creativity and manifestation. You can contact her at rockyroad2137@gmail.com.

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